I’m quickly approaching another Black Hole of not-knowing-what-to-do-with-my-life and have been obsessively searching for jobs and apartments across the country for months, and staring at the microscopic number in my measly savings account for the past twenty minutes. Don’t get me wrong — I’m loving every second of writing and working with interesting people and creating stuff I care about. I’m paying the bills (for the most part) and working hard (for the most part) and doing everything I ought to be doing (eh), but if I want to live in a cool city that isn’t perpetually humid and doesn’t value small-talk or jogging, it may be time to consider a job on the side.

Side jobs I think I could handle:

  • High class prostitute who only gets hired by old retirees who physically can’t have sex and just want to pay young women $200,000 a year to sit by a pool and drink mimosas
  • Manicurist at one of those expensive salons where rich white ladies want to talk to you about their neighbors’ husbands’ affairs for so long that they overstay their appointments and tip generously
  • Jillian Michaels impersonator, provided I don’t actually have to work out and my job just entails watching exhausted people jog on a treadmill and shouting “You disgust me!” intermittently
  • Cat psychic
  • A cat’s sidekick in a movie about a superhero cat and me, her clumsy-but-lovable best friend
  • Alternatively, the screenwriter for the cat superhero movie
  • Personal assistant/shopper for a cat actor (is the one who played Sassy in Homeward Bound available/alive?)*
  • Porn actress — catering only to food fetishes — and only if I don’t have to show my face — and only if I don’t have to use my real name — and only if all I have to do is eat 35-cent Oriental ramen on camera
  • Puppy petter
  • Plant watcher (Note: I have proven multiple times my inability to keep plants alive, so only hire me if you are in the market for someone to just literally look at your plants)
  • Snarky livetweeter
  • Celebrity baby namer (I predicted “North West” months in advance and if that’s not a marketable skill then I can’t fathom what is)
  • Starbucks

    So if you can offer me any of those positions along with fantastic health benefits, occasional doughnuts, and leniency if I sometimes stop working to talk about Miley Cyrus, I’m all yours. Until then, I’ll be here refreshing Craigslist/Monster/Linkedin.

    *No word on Sassy’s breathing status, but she does have a very descriptive wiki page

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